Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Grow

Grow where you are planted. Cling tight to the village the supports you. Avoid overshadowing the beauty of those around you. Revel in your own glory. 

Most of all, let your beauty shine. 

Monday, June 18, 2018

Pruning

Years ago, when I had ambitions of becoming a world renown plant pathologist (seriously, I wanted to create more blue and purple flowers because they brought happiness and calm to people) I worked at a local landscape nursery called Ken Mulch.

I loved it there. The lessons I learned have stuck with me. Lessons such as hard work, it's ok to sweat, sometimes you have to hang out in a greenhouse with the sprinklers on when it's 100 outside, and pruning. Pruning is essential to growth.

I learned this primarily from two men named Harold and Jim. Both were older than I, one much. They taught me to step back and look at the rose bush. How did I see it growing and how did I want it to grow. To look at the whole plant and the branches that made it up. Then to trim no more than 1/3 at a time, and at the right time, too. To take each branch and look for the space just above where five green leave where. There, I'd see a node that would become a branch. If it wasn't facing the right direction keep looking. And then clip. But at an angle so rain and moisture would drain off and avoid rotting. And a few inches above where the node was so the branch would have space to die, and also rebirth itself. If done meticulously, the rose bush would grow beautifully, season after season. (this doesn't account for disease, bugs, etc.).

I used to spend hours clipping our rose bushes. I still do at my house. And I clip the hedges at my moms with these thoughts in mind.

Truth be told, life is a lot like pruning a rose bush, if you ask me. And I am applying these lessons to my life. Just because the branch is there, doesn't mean it's where I want it. Just because I prune it doesn't mean it was bad.

The pruning must begin with the end in mind, and allow for various meanderings along the way.

Life isn't just like a box of chocolate, it's also like a beautiful rose bush--properly or improperly pruned.

Friday, June 1, 2018

9 lesson from having 9th grader in 9 minutes

My son just finished 9th grade. One year ago he wanted to die and actually tried to. Today, he's soaring on success! Transition to high school was marvelous (parents of middle schoolers, I feel for you, you've got this and it's pure torture for many. Hang in there, it DOES get easier and better!). So here are 9 lessons I reflected on. I gave myself 9 minutes to write this so forgive me for typos, incomplete (or run on) sentences, poor structure, inconsistent grammar and possibly half-witted ideas. But you'll get the gist:

1) Pick and choose: this is a universal truth of parenting, even more so as a parent of a freshman in high school. They're crying for independence, yet have little clue what that actually means. Pick and choose what you intervene on, what behaviors you "punish", the words you use...just pick and choose what's most important in this moment.

2) they're trying so hard to be independent, without a single clue what that really means. Yet at the same time they'll just come into your bedroom, curl up next to you and lay their stinky, sweaty, lil heads on your lap and not say a word. I have learned words are unnecessary in these moments, it's the feeling that is being captured.

3) it's hard to guide them to independence: Of course I want my child to be independent, get a job that he loves and supports him , and MOVE OUT! But really, I don't.

4) Always parent them: Yes, I still wake my son up for school, I still pack his lunches, I still make his breakfast. I am still his dad and I always will be; I pray I never stop parenting him.

5) The smells: Oh the smells. I don't even understand them all. Like you JUST took a shower.

6) And the messes: We literally just cleaned this house, how is it messy again?

7) The random kindness: Whether it's treating me to pizza, giving a foot massage after a long day, getting all the dishes done...all that kindness he's seen in from our village is now manifesting and coming out of him. Yes, he's mouthy, full of 'tude, and even sometimes unkind...and yet, the moments of kindness are overwhelmingly sweet. Let us foster this in our young boys and men more.

8) They truly don't know: I've found myself saying, "what were you thinking!?" and he truly doesn't know. So I am trying to stop asking that question. I don't have a place-holder yet, but they truly don't know why they screamed, punched the wall, or forgot to turn in a paper. And they may never figure it out.

9) Celebrate: We don't celebrate our young boys enough. Celebrate everything. I'm not talking about "oh look, here's your participation ribbon." I am talking about "hey, thanks for doing the dishes. That was really kind and made my day easier after a long day at the office." or "I know you didn't really want to spend that extra time studying, but look at the test score you got, congratulations!" or "hey, I think you're friggin awesome and so glad we're a family!" Celebrate them. Attach it to emotions. Attach it to living in a community. We don't do that enough for our boys and we need to, so start now and never stop.