My son just finished 9th grade. One year ago he wanted to die and actually tried to. Today, he's soaring on success! Transition to high school was marvelous (parents of middle schoolers, I feel for you, you've got this and it's pure torture for many. Hang in there, it DOES get easier and better!). So here are 9 lessons I reflected on. I gave myself 9 minutes to write this so forgive me for typos, incomplete (or run on) sentences, poor structure, inconsistent grammar and possibly half-witted ideas. But you'll get the gist:
1) Pick and choose: this is a universal truth of parenting, even more so as a parent of a freshman in high school. They're crying for independence, yet have little clue what that actually means. Pick and choose what you intervene on, what behaviors you "punish", the words you use...just pick and choose what's most important in this moment.
2) they're trying so hard to be independent, without a single clue what that really means. Yet at the same time they'll just come into your bedroom, curl up next to you and lay their stinky, sweaty, lil heads on your lap and not say a word. I have learned words are unnecessary in these moments, it's the feeling that is being captured.
3) it's hard to guide them to independence: Of course I want my child to be independent, get a job that he loves and supports him , and MOVE OUT! But really, I don't.
4) Always parent them: Yes, I still wake my son up for school, I still pack his lunches, I still make his breakfast. I am still his dad and I always will be; I pray I never stop parenting him.
5) The smells: Oh the smells. I don't even understand them all. Like you JUST took a shower.
6) And the messes: We literally just cleaned this house, how is it messy again?
7) The random kindness: Whether it's treating me to pizza, giving a foot massage after a long day, getting all the dishes done...all that kindness he's seen in from our village is now manifesting and coming out of him. Yes, he's mouthy, full of 'tude, and even sometimes unkind...and yet, the moments of kindness are overwhelmingly sweet. Let us foster this in our young boys and men more.
8) They truly don't know: I've found myself saying, "what were you thinking!?" and he truly doesn't know. So I am trying to stop asking that question. I don't have a place-holder yet, but they truly don't know why they screamed, punched the wall, or forgot to turn in a paper. And they may never figure it out.
9) Celebrate: We don't celebrate our young boys enough. Celebrate everything. I'm not talking about "oh look, here's your participation ribbon." I am talking about "hey, thanks for doing the dishes. That was really kind and made my day easier after a long day at the office." or "I know you didn't really want to spend that extra time studying, but look at the test score you got, congratulations!" or "hey, I think you're friggin awesome and so glad we're a family!" Celebrate them. Attach it to emotions. Attach it to living in a community. We don't do that enough for our boys and we need to, so start now and never stop.
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