I Feel Defeated

I am turning 40 in a few months. I am ok with turning 40 and think of it as just another year. Some call it a milestone year, but I don't get it.

Or at least, I didn't get it until I went to the doctor this week.

I began going to the doctor on a regular basis six years ago when I became a foster dad. Part of the process for certification in Kentucky is an annual physical. I mean, I guess it's a good idea to get a baseline of all your numbers and stuff anyway. And those numbers have been relatively steady except for two things: my weight and my blood pressure. Life has been stressful lately and I have an unhealthy relationship with food--in that I tend to eat my emotions, caving in to late night sweets and even chips.

But for the last few years my doctor (Dr. Julie Ellis, one of Louisville's top docs, LOVE HER!) has been monitoring my blood pressure closely. I have never smoked and I gave up alcohol about six years ago. So she suggested I reduce the salt and increase the physical activity. I eliminated salt almost entirely from my cooking, and the physical activity comes and goes. None-the-less, each year my blood pressure steadily increased. She says it's mostly genetics catching up with me with some lifestyle choices thrown in to exacerbate it. I can't change my genetics, but I can change my choices.

Can I be honest here? I feel defeated. Entirely defeated. I am in the healthcare profession. I espouse being healthy in mind, body and soul. My private practice is called Infinite Balance Massage (I made that a clickable link, shameless plug). I run 2-3 times a week and hike 1x a week. Each activity is 2-5 miles. WTF BODY!? Why are you doing this to me!? Maybe 40 is more than just another year. Maybe it's the year my body decides to revolt and implode. I want to change the lifespan and quality of life statistics for men in my family. But my body seems to have missed that memo. At times, I feel paralyzed to do anything. Anything except eat more snack cakes, that is.

I am trying to believe it when I say I'm not going to let this defeat me; I am going to reclaim my life and body. But I don't believe it, yet. I have never considered myself a negative person, but this really has me down. I have a plan in my head, but execution of said plan...well...I don't know, I feel paralyzed. I guess I'll just do what I can do, where I am, when I can and see where the (low sodium, baked) chips fall. I will attempt to celebrate small steps forward while not getting stuck on the small steps backwards. I know I can conquer this challenge, I just don't know if I will. I'm not looking for pep talks or my cheer squad, I'm just being honest.

So here we go, maybe I'll document some of my journey here for accountability. Maybe someone else needs to read it. Maybe I just need to vent it. I don't know, but here it is. I'd like to end this missive with a celebration: I made a small step forward. My yard is a disaster zone (so much of my life seems to be actually). So I decided to reclaim a little of it. There is a section of my yard screaming for some landscaping. So I bought five bags of mulch and some flowering plants on clearance. My son and I spent about an hour weeding (i.e. we used the weed eater to cut the grass to the dirt), plucking small trees, laying landscape fabric, planting five flowering plants (four of which will come back) and spreading mulch. I chose to do only one little section between two trees. It is closest to the area of my yard I call my lanai (for the record, I don't have a lanai) so that when I sit out back, I can see progress. It looks nice and I feel I accomplished something which will bring me some peace and tranquility. I guess that's part of what I can control about my life choices in regards to my blood pressure. Yes. that's it. I will get through this (and one day I'll believe that) because I am owning the 30% that isn't genetics. Today, I am proud that I did something yesterday to that end.

40. In 5 months I'll be 40. Many men don't make it out of 50 in my family and many of those who do do not have the quality of life I desire and deserve. But me? I plan to be different. And that started with planting some flowers.

that is technically my neighbors property and her fence.
The fence has effectively made that my property now.
For three years it has been overgrown. 

But this year, I am reclaiming it.
I am excited to see how these plants grow and flower.
And possibly extending this process through the entire row. 

Hepatitis A Information

I live in Louisville, Kentucky. We are currently experiencing an outbreak of Hepatitis A and we are about to have quite large numbers of people visiting (click for Official Kentucky Derby Festival Page for all the fun and excitement). I have looked on the CDC, NIH and NCBI websites to read quite a bit of information on Hep A, its prevention, transmission routes, symptoms and treatments (link posted at end of blog) and what I can surmise is this: Hepatitis A is, generally speaking, preventable, it can take almost a month to show up (incubation period), symptoms are fairly common, it can severely impact the liver and we should all use common sense to contain this outbreak.

I am NOT going to get into the pro vaccination vs. anti vaccination conversation, though according to the CDC Hep A diagnosis decreased by 95% since the vaccination was first introduced and only in the last five years (give or take) have we seen an uptick. Hmmm

But I want to share some links to help keep you and your loved ones safe, in keeping your family safe you're also keeping other families safe. So please consider the following simple steps to help contain, minimize and eradicate this Hep A outbreak:

• Wash your hands: Vigorously, soap and warm/hot water, 30 seconds. Before eating. After eating. ALWAYS before using or touching ANYTHING in the restroom. Close the toilet lid before flushing to prevent minute fecal matter particles from exploding everywhere (y'all know that's a thing, right). 
• If you're sick--STAY HOME. Some of the symptoms are simple cold and flu like symptoms, still nobody wants that either. Stay. Home. 
• Get vaccinated: It's a two-parter and your full vaccination is not complete until parts 1 and 2 are administered and they must be at least six months apart. Getting your shot once today may only slightly decrease your chances, but the full double dose increases likelihood of being safeguarded against the disease. 

For visual folks, I lifted this from the Louisville Department of Public Health & Wellness

Some links for more info: 

Louisville Department of Public Health & Wellness

Informacion in Espanol

Centers for Disease Control (CDC) Hep A FAQ

So go out, enjoy the festivities and be safe. Find bathrooms to wash your hands frequently (hand sanitizer does not wash the fecal matter off your hands (gross to think about, but it is the #1 way Hep A is spread!) so WASH VIGOROUSLY and OFTEN. 

That's all for today. 

Old Friend, We Meet Again

I am learning more and more each week how out of it I was this year. People are telling me things, events, speeches, classes, etc, that I was involved in, gave, delivered, taught and I'm clueless. This was hammered home today by the level of difficulty in running the short 3.3 miles around Iroquois Park. Not too long ago, I was running from my house to Iroquois Park (1.6 miles) then around the park at least 2-3 times (7+ miles at minimum) and back home (another 1.6 miles). Today, I *drove* to the park and still barely made it around the 3.2 mile base. And I stopped to take a walking break.

Ugh. 

This sucks. 

What the heck happend!? 

I stopped putting in the work. Plain and simple. I rested on my laurels. Literally. And today, I expected to be able to conquer the park in the same 24-27 minutes I did last year. 30 minutes later I realized it was preposterous for me to expect that. And so it is. I've lost contact with the park. With my muscles. With my lung. With my future. With my past. With my life. With my motivation. With the insides of my thighs (did they burn like that last time I started running!?). With my head (pounding). With myself. 

As I was rounding the final hill I realized this is much like my life. I lived in Florida for 8 years. During those 8 years, I gradually lost contact with my Louisville people and connected with an equally fabulous group of Florida people. They became my support network. My Family. My confidants. My influence. My life. And now.... I haven't put in the work. It is preposterous to think that I'll maintain the same level of relationship with my Florida friends if I don't work for it. My friend S and I have played phone tag since my birthday (a month now) and finally connected briefly yesterday. It was good to catch up. But it was like running through the park--a little different. Familiar. Comfortable. Comforting. Welcomed. But different. 

I miss my Florida people and I've not found that same connection here in Louisville just yet. But it took me about four years in Florida-I'm entering my 3rd here. It's odd. Being on familiar turf, but knowing few and connecting with even fewer. It will take time, but I will be back. And so will my friend-network. 

Come to think of it, it's just like my running journey. It has had its ups and downs. The more effort I put forth, the more I yield. The more I give the more I receive. For one who is both an introvert and a non-runner the following is true of making friends and of running: it's not easy and staying on the couch is a much more alluring alternative but where does that get me? 

So there you have it...awkwardly trudging forward, trying to find my place in the running and friendship world. I'll get to the finish line one of these days, for now, in the words of Vivian (a presenter I had the opportunity to recently see), "a DLF > DNF > DNS" or "a dead last finish is greater than a did not finish , which is better than a did not show." At least that's my and Vivian's 26.2 friendcents worth...