I Feel Defeated

I am turning 40 in a few months. I am ok with turning 40 and think of it as just another year. Some call it a milestone year, but I don't get it.

Or at least, I didn't get it until I went to the doctor this week.

I began going to the doctor on a regular basis six years ago when I became a foster dad. Part of the process for certification in Kentucky is an annual physical. I mean, I guess it's a good idea to get a baseline of all your numbers and stuff anyway. And those numbers have been relatively steady except for two things: my weight and my blood pressure. Life has been stressful lately and I have an unhealthy relationship with food--in that I tend to eat my emotions, caving in to late night sweets and even chips.

But for the last few years my doctor (Dr. Julie Ellis, one of Louisville's top docs, LOVE HER!) has been monitoring my blood pressure closely. I have never smoked and I gave up alcohol about six years ago. So she suggested I reduce the salt and increase the physical activity. I eliminated salt almost entirely from my cooking, and the physical activity comes and goes. None-the-less, each year my blood pressure steadily increased. She says it's mostly genetics catching up with me with some lifestyle choices thrown in to exacerbate it. I can't change my genetics, but I can change my choices.

Can I be honest here? I feel defeated. Entirely defeated. I am in the healthcare profession. I espouse being healthy in mind, body and soul. My private practice is called Infinite Balance Massage (I made that a clickable link, shameless plug). I run 2-3 times a week and hike 1x a week. Each activity is 2-5 miles. WTF BODY!? Why are you doing this to me!? Maybe 40 is more than just another year. Maybe it's the year my body decides to revolt and implode. I want to change the lifespan and quality of life statistics for men in my family. But my body seems to have missed that memo. At times, I feel paralyzed to do anything. Anything except eat more snack cakes, that is.

I am trying to believe it when I say I'm not going to let this defeat me; I am going to reclaim my life and body. But I don't believe it, yet. I have never considered myself a negative person, but this really has me down. I have a plan in my head, but execution of said plan...well...I don't know, I feel paralyzed. I guess I'll just do what I can do, where I am, when I can and see where the (low sodium, baked) chips fall. I will attempt to celebrate small steps forward while not getting stuck on the small steps backwards. I know I can conquer this challenge, I just don't know if I will. I'm not looking for pep talks or my cheer squad, I'm just being honest.

So here we go, maybe I'll document some of my journey here for accountability. Maybe someone else needs to read it. Maybe I just need to vent it. I don't know, but here it is. I'd like to end this missive with a celebration: I made a small step forward. My yard is a disaster zone (so much of my life seems to be actually). So I decided to reclaim a little of it. There is a section of my yard screaming for some landscaping. So I bought five bags of mulch and some flowering plants on clearance. My son and I spent about an hour weeding (i.e. we used the weed eater to cut the grass to the dirt), plucking small trees, laying landscape fabric, planting five flowering plants (four of which will come back) and spreading mulch. I chose to do only one little section between two trees. It is closest to the area of my yard I call my lanai (for the record, I don't have a lanai) so that when I sit out back, I can see progress. It looks nice and I feel I accomplished something which will bring me some peace and tranquility. I guess that's part of what I can control about my life choices in regards to my blood pressure. Yes. that's it. I will get through this (and one day I'll believe that) because I am owning the 30% that isn't genetics. Today, I am proud that I did something yesterday to that end.

40. In 5 months I'll be 40. Many men don't make it out of 50 in my family and many of those who do do not have the quality of life I desire and deserve. But me? I plan to be different. And that started with planting some flowers.

that is technically my neighbors property and her fence.
The fence has effectively made that my property now.
For three years it has been overgrown. 

But this year, I am reclaiming it.
I am excited to see how these plants grow and flower.
And possibly extending this process through the entire row.