My Six Steps to Life Happiness

I'm sitting on my lanai (I don't have one, for those of you new to my obsession with being out on my lanai), surrounded by my gorgeously blooming flowers (actually, none are blooming nor are they gorgeous, they were on clearance or free, but they have hope!), I am kid free (for 12ish hours) and on a self imposed indulgent vacation (during which I will eat ice cream and watch netflix)...but I am totally complete in this moment. 

Here are a few steps I've taken to reach this stage of my life: 

Partied the hell out of my 20's

I know, right now I'm a total stick-in-the-mud. But in my late teens and early 20's...gurl...I was all sparkled up, drunk and at a club or party. Every Friday and Saturday, most Thursdays, some Sundays and the occasional Tuesday. I partied my way through my early 20's and I'm so grateful I did, because now I can enter my 40's without any regrets and fully embracing this evolution of my life. 

Research and be in touch with *my* health

Yes, you need to know your genetic predisposition to this and to that. But what has been helpful for me is knowing things like I can't tolerate heavy cream-based foods, I need 4-6 hours of sleep a night, plus a 15 minute nap, red bull and vodka makes me angry and want to fight (and I usually do what I want so...), spending quiet time alone to start each day helps ensure a better day for everyone, you get the picture. Whatever it is for you, just be aware of it and do it. When I was running I kept a running journal and recorded everything. This is when I became acutely aware of trends and patterns. I found a doctor who spends almost an hour with me at my annual wellness check and asks things like, "are you getting any sex?" because she looks at the whole person. This has been critical to finding my bliss. 

Worked my ass off! 

Seriously, my parents raised me on a very meager family income. My mom worked full time and maintained a 4.0 gpa in college while my dad owned his own body shop and was in the army reserves. They instilled in my nobody owes me anything, except myself. I owe myself a great deal. So if I want it, I need to work my ass off for it. Even in those earlier party days I mentioned, I still worked 40-60 hours a week and never missed a commitment or obligation. 

I've been steadfast in my word, honesty and integrity

I have found that when I strayed from this, there was SO much to keep up with...who did I tell what and why? When I'm honest and full of integrity, there's so much less to have to keep up with and it's easier because, you know, truth...has set me free. 

Living an authentic and unapologetic life

I came out to my friends (some) when I was in high school. Came out to others in college. And my family when I was 20 or 21. From that day forward I made a commitment to myself that I was going to live my life authentically and stop asking anyone's permission or apologizing for it. People are uncomfortable...but it's not my place to make them comfortable.

Remain active in your House of Spirit

In Florida--the beach; in Kentucky--the forests, creeks, rivers, lakes and mountains. To these houses of Spirit, I shall always return and be eternally grateful.

So there you have it...these are six steps that I can attribute my life-happiness and completion to. I don't know you, so I don't have suggestions or shoulds or oughttas or what have you. I do have a desire for everyone to be happy, fulfilled, complete and blissful. I hope that you have found your path to that and, if you haven't, maybe some (or none or all) of these steps might help spark some ideas to help you along the journey. Or, at least, that's my 26.2 cents worth. . . 

To Life a Full Life

My dear and departed Brian Allen was my first experience with suicide that I recall. I loved Brian. He was an inspiration to so many and was a beautiful person, inside and out. But he had demons. Demons he tried with all his might to slay...but they slayed him instead. In 2002, just before I move to Florida, Brian laid himself on the train track along Frankfort Avenue in Louisville, KY, as a train was coming. A tragic ending to a beautiful life. He taught me so many things and some of them are contained in this letter he gave out to people with his annual Christmas card the year before he died.

To Live a Full Life
Brian Allen, circa 2001
Living a full life means making a specific commitment to practice and working to develop specific personal qualities: be a good communicator of vision; Be honest and trustworthy; Be flexible to change; Be creative; Be gracious and respect all persons; Value the power of acceptance; Be calm during crises; Promote and foster a team effort; Be deeply committed to the concept that unified efforts far outweigh all individual endeavors combined; Be respectful of others and yourself by following through on your words and commitments.

Be sure to let those closest to you know their importance in your journey before it's too late; Know when to say thank you and give others thanks openly. Listen and listen and listen. Be compassionate; Know that there are times to be strong and times to be vulnerable. Accept the duty to serve the community and take a stand on those issues that are closest to your heart. Promote and value diversity. Take responsibility for your own actions and don't blame the past, knowing change begins with yourself. Know the importance of failure, embrace it and learn from it. Be persistent, especially when pursuing dreams that give your life hope and meaning. Face challenges with courage, guts and determination. Trust others as you implement your vision.

Know the expense of getting stuck when all seems to go wrong. Move ahead with faith that the solution may be near and unexpected. Have a constant thirst for knowledge and a daily commitment towards personal development. Make a big deal about people's names. Be involved in helping others realize their own personal goals. Realize only through giving to yourself generously can you give to others unconditionally. Recognize the unselfishness of having Life Enhancers as a central part of each day. Laugh, enjoy and believe; our purpose on Earth is to help one another.

Brian Allen

Perspective

Recently I've taken to hiking. Short hikes, medium hikes and long (for me) hikes. I love going in the morning and in the heat of the day. I love going before it rains and after. Sunny or shade. Each hike, no matter how many times I've been on the same trail, is different. Probably because I am different. And different people have been on the trail since the last time, even if it is less than a week apart. Each hiker takes from the forest what they need, and leaves that which they no longer need.

Today, I decided to pay attention to the tiny mushrooms, lichen and fungi growing along the trail. It has been a wet week punctuated with periods of sun and heat...the perfect breeding ground for mushroom colonies to explode, or so I am told. And the pictures did not disappoint. I have included some for your viewing.

But what came to me as I was attempting to capture my final clump of mushrooms was this: Perspective. Two people (or more) can look at the exact same thing and have a totally different perspective; experience perhaps! Let me give you an example:

In this first picture, one might describe the mushrooms as smooth, relatively flat, solid, glossy. And they'd be right.

And in this second picture, one might describe the mushrooms as striated, rough, opaque, thin. And they'd be right. 

And in this one, they might use all the words above. And they'd be right. 

You see, all three pictures are of the exact same clump of mushrooms, the only thing different was perspective. Sometimes we get so stuck on looking at things from one perspective and insistent that what we're seeing is, in fact, a smooth, thick, glossy surface and another person is equally confident they're seeing a rough, translucent, frail surface. Both are equally right. I am going to try to remember this the next time I am engaged in an exchange with someone and I am as confident they are that my perspective is The Right One. . . because their perspective is probably also right, I just need to be willing to see it. At least that's my 26.2 cents worth...

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, her trust is not in the branch but in her own wings. Believe in yourself.

If I have achieved one thing in my career, I hope that it is that I have inspired at least one person to "believe in yourself" along the way.

We are quick to accept responsibility for all the screw ups in our lives, but give away responsibility for the successes. Why? I believe it is because we do not believe in ourselves...our capability to soar when the branch breaks!

Stop. Just stop.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in your ability to hear the cracking of the branch.

Believe in yourself to flap your wings at the right moment.

Believe in yourself to soar.

Believe in yourself to find the right next branch.

And believe in yourself to do it again and again, because that's life.

Believe in yourself.

Fighting Bias, Bigotry and Racism through Storytelling

Years ago, when I was working for a non profit in the Tampa Bay area we had what we affectionately called "Oprah Moments." This was the most diverse staff I've ever had the fortune to work with...diverse with regards to gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, language, age...the one thing that bound us all together was our devotion to fight bias, bigotry, and racism. That was our mission. We were charged with finding new ways to achieve this lofty goal while also implementing tried and true methods. 

The days were long and the pay was short. But I'll never forget the relationships I had during that time of my life. I do not keep up with many of my colleagues as we've all gone our separate ways as the agency took on a very different direction. But the thing I'll remember most were those "Oprah Moments." 

These moments just happened extemporaneously. My colleague and intern, Viancca's desk was right beside mine and my colleague, Tarra's was across the room (actually two rooms but with the divider opened). There were two ancient chairs in the middle of the room kinda cocked at an angle (and I remember a big mirror?). It was not uncommon for other colleagues to come in, have a seat in one of the chairs and we'd just chat. Sometimes it was work related and sometimes it wasn't. Limewire was popular at that time and sometimes we'd listen to the newest downloaded song, clip, file, etc. I don't think YouTube was around and FaceBook definitely wasn't. But we chatted. We shared stories. Stories about family. Stories about hair. Stories about beliefs. Stories about religion. Stories about our hopes, fears and dreams. We talked. We got to know each other as humans, brothers and sisters in this journey of life. Little did I know, but in those moments we had achieved our mission of fighting bias, bigotry and racism. Perhaps this was the most powerful component to ANY of the programs we ran...talking and listening. 

Ultimately, as the organization began its restructuring, I was the first one to be let go. The level of betrayal I felt has stuck with me for years, not because my co-workers actually did anything to me. But because the moments and stories we shared as colleagues actually created a surrogate family for me when my own family was 900 miles away. It's hard to have that ripped away from you. 

But now, 15ish years later, I am able to reflect on that moment, and those feelings of betrayal, as testimonies to the power of sharing stories. In sharing stories we also share our vulnerabilities. The byproduct? Personal strength. Collective strength. And the manifestation of our mission...to fight bias, bigotry and racism. 

Over the next couple of days, please join me in stepping into vulnerability to find strength through sharing a story with someone who may be different from you. How you define that difference is up to you. Be prepared, though, you may find yourself with an extended family and the world a little better as a result! 

character is...

Many moons ago, I developed, managed, and implemented Character Education classes for numerous schools, school districts, youth groups, church groups, etc. This week I've taught a couple of Ethics classes. I wanted to share this quote I have tried to always use as my character-barometer. . .

...to return to compassion

The last couple of months have been hell. I have never managed an ultra marathon, but I imagine we've been running the badlands ultra marathon (google it).

And I must admit I've strayed from being the most compassionate person I would like to be. So I have gone to the great google to search for some quotes from The Dalai Lama, whom I've long admired, read and even heard speak. This will be a short entry because I want to encourage you to spend time on the quotes I've chosen:

You must not hate those who do wrong or harmful things; but with compassion you must do what you can to stop them--for they are harming themselves, as well as those who suffer from their actions. 

Every single being, even those who are hostile towards us, is just as afraid of suffering as we are, and seeks happiness in the same ways we do. Every person has the same right as we do to be happy and and not to suffer. So let's take care of others wholeheartedly, of both our friends and our enemies. That is the basis for true compassion. 

Dalai Lama XIX

After reading these quotes, reflecting and meditating on them I am forced to confront the answer to my own question of : what have I done to manifest compassion for those who have done wrong and harmful things. And the answer is quite overwhelmingly: Not enough.

Today, be compassionate. Tomorrow, be compassionate.

Healthy Eating on a Budget

So one of the things some of my friends marvel at is my ability to stretch a penny into a quarter. I cut my teeth on stretching it to a nickle, learned to make it into a dime when I was an AmeriCorps member (any other AC alums out there?) and then when I got laid off from a job in Florida and launched my own practice/consulting group I turned that dime into a quarter, y'all!

When it comes to eating I often hear the argument that it is much cheaper to eat ready to eat foods...foods you basically just heat up and serve. But it's not. Ounce per ounce you are paying a lot more. And I'm not smart enough to factor in the added health care and decreased quality of life that some of those processed foods may bring (i.e. for me my blood pressure would be through the roof if I ate that stuff due to the sodium content!).

Friends of all financial means have often asked me to share with them some of my tips. This week I wanted to share with you what our meals will look like (this is primarily dinner focused):
(in disclosure, this *does* take some advance planning before going to the grocery store and assumes an established spice rack)

Purchased a whole fryer chicken on Sunday for $5.32 and here's how I'll use it:
Sunday Night:
Slow simmered the chicken in a pot of water along with celery, carrots, onions, garlic, ginger and italian seasoning (it's what I grabbed). Simmered for a couple of hours!

Pulled some chicken off, add a smidge of bbq sauce (Sweet Baby Rays, on sale 10 for $10)
Tossed a diced potato in some olive oil and curry seasoning, pan "fried" in 1/2 T of butter for 5ish minutes, baked at 350 for 20ish minutes
Added tossed salad with fresh strawberry slices
Total Cost:
Chicken: $1.50
Potato: .50 (cents y'all!)
Salad: $1
Misc. Seasonings: $3 (including onion, celery, carrot, spices, etc.)
Total dinner for two: $7 on the high end

Monday: 
TACOS!!
Shredded some chicken and simmered in homemade taco seasoning (no salt!) along with half an onion and a quarter each of yellow and orange bell pepper. used some frozen corn from a catered meal I had awhile back and added jalapenos, smoked paprika, garlic and ancho peppers
Total Cost:
Chicken: $1.50
Peppers: $2
Taco Shells: $1.50 (half a pack)
Corn: .50 (cents) if I had to buy
Cheese and other add ons: .75 (cents) (cheese was on clearance y'all!)
Total Cost for two: 6.25

Tuesday:
My son has requested the BBQ again so see above, this time I'll make homemade baked french fries and some green beans.
Total Cost this time: 6.50

Wednesday: 
Grilled cheese with shredded curried chicken (we make fancy grilled cheese)
Cost:
Chicken: $1.00
Cheese: $2.00 (we'll use a variety of cheeses)
Misc. Greens on the sandwich: .50 (cents)
Apple sauce (not sure, I make it by the gallons in the fall)
Total Cost for two: $5 MAX depending on apple costs and such

Thursday:
First day of summer vacation, we'll eat out

Friday:
Homemade pizza!
Sourdough pizza crust: 50 cents
Pasta Sauce (just as good as pizza sauce): 1.00 (organic and on sale !)
Pizza herb topping to make the sauce pop (salt free)
Chicken topping: $1.50
Bell peppers, mushrooms, cheese: $3
Total for two: $6

Fret not, I will still work that chicken for all it is worth by simmering on Sunday and making some delicious soup. We will be sick and tired of chicken by then so I'll freeze it for later. Sometimes I pressure can it as it's easier for a last minute meal.

So we ate almost all week on a $5 chicken for $30 for five meals for two people ($15/person or $3/meal/person) and it was all balanced, sodium free (or low sodium factoring in cheese, pasta sauce, etc.) and mostly homemade from scratch so I *know* what goes into it.

That's how I both stay on budget AND eat healthy foods. What are some of your favorite tips and tricks? In all honesty, I could have gotten this cost down a LOT more if I only used veggies on clearance.

Sunday Funday--Health & Wellness Edition!

As some of you are aware, I have been battling my blood pressure for a few years now. Somehow, I've managed to keep it hovering at either the high end of "ok" or the low end of "pre-hypertension" for three years through diet and lifestyle changes.

Each year for my birthday, I gift myself an annual wellness exam from my doctor (I know, so exciting, right?) in an attempt to change my genetic predisposition to an early death. Statistically speaking, I've got about 15 years left. I am determined to change that as I want to spoil my grandkids rotten! 

My last exam (November, 2016) my doctor said if it remained where it was, she was going to discuss the reality of having to go on BP meds. I already stopped drinking (7/1/2012 or 2013) and have already significantly reduced my sodium. Her suggestion to lower it: lose 10-20 lbs. Ok doc, got it! She made me download the app: My Fitness Pal App on my phone to keep track of my calories. I've slowly lost a couple pounds and kept them off. I'm happy. BUT...

I am recommitting myself in the following ways: 

• Increasing cardio
• Adding resistance training
• Returning to daily meditation
• More fresh fruits & veggies
• Finding physical activities I enjoy at this stage of my life

So today was my Sunday Funday--Health & Wellness Edition! These Sundays require advance planning--I must get my household tasks completed Saturday evening, including figuring out my son's Sunday schedule for the days I wish to do activities he has no interest (or that I simply wish to do solo). Today, all the stars aligned and...I conquered a four-mile hike in the beautiful Jefferson Memorial Forest with one of my former ducklings and hiking buddy! Man, I sure could tell I am closing in on 40 and he's barely 22 on some of the crazy inclines along the Purple Heart Trail. But he was a trooper and slowed down a bit as I hoofed it up, sweat literally pouring off my face, down my back and ...well, everywhere! 

My friend Robyn also brought over an entire flat of freshly picked strawberries so I was able to end my day by making a delicious and healthy smoothie that tasted more like a gourmet milkshake. Super easy to make:

• Step 1: Add fresh strawberries, container of yogurt, some milk. Blend. 
• Step 2: Add frozen fruits, a few chocolate chips and fresh ginger. Blend again. 
• Step 3: Enjoy! 

I would have taken a pic of our smoothies but...well...they didn't last that long!

I am always looking for more ways to help my family increase our health and wellness, particularly if it helps to lower my blood pressure. If you're in the area (or within a few hour drive) and want to connect for a hike, please let me know! Otherwise, what are some of your favorite (non pharmaceutical ) strategies? 

...feed just one...

A few years ago my mother bought me a book about Mother Teresa. I will admit, the book was not a "fun" book to read and it actually took me several attempts and years to make my way through (most of) it. It just wasn't my style of book. I don't even recall the name of it. Regardless. . .

In it, there was a story. Either she was being interviewed, or just asked questions, or just talking or teaching who knows (clearly the book was memorable) and the question was posed (paraphrasing):
Mother Teresa, how do you get up each day and feed these children, knowing there are thousands more and you do not have enough to feed them all?

Mother Teresa (paraphrasing): If you can't feed 100, feed just one.

This quote has sustained me many times. I was a foster parent; I am an adoptive parent. I always wanted a large house with lots of children. The child God entrusted me to raise needs to be an only child for various reasons. And I need to be a dad of only one child, for various reasons. Sometimes I get bummed because I want more children, damn it! And sometimes I get bummed because I wonder if when I am old, I will have my own child and grandchildren around me or if it'll just be me and my dog enjoying the lazy days in our RV on the beach.

But oftentimes, I get overwhelmed because there are so many children who need loving homes. And I have one of those loving homes! One of the hardest things for me to do was to formally close my home as a foster home and request to be taken off the referrals e-mail list for kids needing foster homes. It closed the opportunity to foster and adopt more children, and in my heart I knew in that moment it was a door that was permanently being sealed shut.

So I often return to Mother Teresa's wisdom: If you can't feed 100, feed just one.

Sometimes we think we have to do big things to make big differences, but we don't. We just have to feed one to make a big difference to that one person. Their belly is full. Their heart is warm. Their spirit is nurtured. Our Calling is manifested.

If you can't feed 100, feed just one. Who are you feeding today? Please send me your stories of feeding just one, or perhaps stories of being fed, along with your permission or not to summarize and share. If you have an event coming up soon, or in the distant future, please let me know so I can help you.

Additional Information:
My friend Lorilea and I are co-chairing (she doesn't know that yet) a Christmas in July brunch to benefit the children living in and supported through St. Joseph's Children's Home (Click here to learn more about St. Joe's). We don't have the details yet, but please stay tuned.

My friend Robyn and I are going to attempt the full Carry the Fallen Ruck March (22 hours of walking with a full pack on) to raise awareness about suicide prevention within our military veteran population (Click here to learn more about: Active Heros) I walked with her a few hours last year in honor and memory of my own father, a fallen hero, to say it was "a good time" is misleading...but it is a good time to feed just one. One person we'll never know or meet perhaps, but we'll be able to feed them anyway. Perhaps not nutritionally, but we all need more than physical nutrients in our lives.

I will try to post here. But you can also like my professional FB page (Click here to like: Infinite Balance Massage) where I will, no doubt, solicit support in helping to feed just one.

...long overdue

wow. It has been four long years since I last posted.

And yet, in the grand scheme of things four years seems so short.

In that time span a few things have changed. Of these two are most notable:
I have adopted my son.
I have undergone a mid-life career and life transformation.

A few other things to note:
I can barely pound the pavement for a 5k, a marathon is currently out of the question.
I am running an ultra marathon like I've never run before: Single parenthood!
My weight has skyrocketed, and along with it my blood pressure.
Meditation is my daily savior.
I still love bacon (see above note about weight and blood pressure).
Sourdough baking and soap making have become therapeutic passions of mine.


In general, I see life differently. I look in the mirror and see a different person. I listen to (or read) my words, and I hear a different person. I look around my house, and I see a different home. Ahh, the journey of evolution is strong in Louisville on my little street. Speaking of which, I bought a house.

Journey. Evolution. Strength. Revelation.

One word for each year. Seems par for the course as I seek to simplify what was once a complicated life. Now, I just enjoy an evening at home, watching a stupid movie with my son. I find pleasure in mixing oils, lye and water to make soap. There is beauty in the simple pleasures in life. I have learned that some of my running was not towards a healthy life, rather it was from an unhealthy one. And sometimes that unhealthy influence was myself. But from it, I can no longer run. I must run towards it, into it, because I am it. I do not wish to emerge NOT being me; I wish to emerge being the best me possible.

I don't know what brought me back to this blog after a four-year hiatus. Maybe I have a story to tell. Maybe you have a story I need to hear. Probably both. Maybe I have an egocentric need to document the next phase of my life because it'll be revolutionary! Or mundane. Either are ok, really. But my plans for the future of this blog include to chronicle my journey to lower my blood pressure, conquering the demons of my past, present and facing the ones in my future head on, and continuing to be the best father I can possibly be to my son as he emerges into a young man. Maybe you'll join me, maybe you won't. Maybe we'll endeavor on this journey together, maybe we won't. But the journeys will go on, with or without us. That's life.

Stay tuned. More to come.