Build a Door

Throughout my life of coaching, counseling, guiding, leading and listening I have come across many people who see others as lucky because they have many opportunities "just handed to them." While this may be the case some of the time, I'd venture a guess to say that more oft than not those "lucky" people went out and built a door so that opportunity could come-a-knockin'. And then they had the audacity to answer the knocks!

Are you building doors for opportunities? Are you answering when it's knocked?

Weekly Savings Challenge, Remix!

Weekly Savings Challenge

Many of us have seen that weekly savings challenge. On week 1, you save $1, week 2 you save $2, and so on. And several of my friends have tried it. I have started it three times and successfully completed it once. One. Single. Time.

That was the last time I attempted it and I want to share what worked for me. I didn’t stick with “the plan” as outlined! I admit, I am not the most organized, stringent, to-do list oriented person. I probably wouldn’t even remember to put into my retirement account if it weren’t for auto-transfer! And yet I also realize the importance of saving on a routine basis (again, thank you auto transfer !!). This envelope system, though, is a great way to become more disciplined in saving and can help with holiday spending, too! So here is what I did:

I gave myself permission to skip around. Face it, come November, few people have an extra $48 to save but maybe you do the week you get your tax refund? So put your $48 in the week you have an extra $48. And color the box in! What box? You may be asking…simple, I created the grid below, cut it out and taped it to a brown envelope. As I put the weekly savings of my choice in, I colored the box in. This way, when you need a smaller dollar amount to save—you can STILL stay on track to intentionally save. More important than that, to me, was getting in the habit of saving SOMETHING each week, the discipline of saying, “ I am going to look at my budget and put something into savings.” Then the behavior side of savings comes into play. I mean, I am pretty sure most of us are aware that saving money is probably a good thing to do. So why don’t we? In the two failed attempts, when I had to skip a week, I felt like I had fallen off the plan and failed. So it was less likely for me to put in the next week. Which created this downward spiral. By giving yourself permission to save the amount you can, you allow yourself to continue to be rewarded and keep at it the following week. Plus, I will admit, it was pretty gratifying to see my grid get colored in solid!

This year, I created a few extra squares—a bonus square and some partial squares. I have a son now and I have NO clue what extra expenses may come up throughout the year. There may come a week when I’ve already put my $1 in and I don’t have enough to put a full amount. So I will put in a partial amount, color that square in and keep at it! The point is to get into the habit of saving weekly.

I hope this helps you save for whatever financial goal(s) you may wish to achieve. I plan to stop the savings in December this year and apply it towards my Christmas spending. Because that is my plan, I give myself permission to deviate from this system. What will you do with the extra money you save?

Weekly Savings Challenge

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20
21	22	23	24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31	32	33	34	35	36	37	38	39	40
41	42	43	44	45	46	47	48	49	50
51	52	Partial:	Partial:	Partial:	Bonus:	Bonus:	Bonus:	Bonus:	Total:

Decluttering: A Method for Success!

Mmmk, imma be honest here: EVERY year from Christmas to New Year's Eve I engage in a decluttering mania. And every year I'm like, "HOW did this happen!? Again!? " And yet the next year it still happens.

So this year, what I chose to do during my phase of purging clutter (and boy had it accumulated) I set a goal of purging one bag per day from Christmas (I actually started a few days before this year) until NYE. In years past, I would get so focused on filling the trash bag that I would get overwhelmed when I didn't make it and then I'd just stop and I'd be off track.

This year I mixed it up. I didn't set a size limit on the bag! I finally outsmarted myself and my negative patterns. This came in really handy one day when it was 10 at night, wrapping paper was thrown hither and yon, I was running a slight fever, coughing up my fourth lung (what?) and just didn't feel like it. Then I remembered...it's only one bag. No size requirements! So I grabbed a small paper bag I use for the farmer's market when I sell soaps (think one of those brown lunch sacks), and walked around putting random items of junk, trash, clutter in it until it was full. In no time at all, I had achieved my goal for the day: One bag of clutter in the trash/recycle/donation bin!

The next day I got up feeling quite successful and went on to fill four grocery bags of clutter from my kitchen alone! 

I share this only to encourage you to set yourself up for success in your goal setting. I believe in setting unrealistic goals, sure, like retiring with a million dollars in the bank. But then set your little incremental steps to get there. Be sure to celebrate your successes and modify your failures. If your goal is to lose 100 pounds, maybe your micro goal can be to get active for 20 minutes a day...even if that's just seven three-minute commercial breaks while watching television. If you want to eat healthier, start with one meal or snack a day. Your goals should scare you, and your steps should motivate and inspire you.

Whatever it is, YOU CAN DO THIS! I have faith in you. Later in the week I am going to post my weekly savings plan which will help you save $1,000+ by Christmas time! And it's all about little steps, celebrating success, and both intrinsic and extrinsic motivations. Remember, you CAN achieve your lofty and unrealistic goals, with making the next best step/choice possible.

Well, at least that's my twenty six point two cents worth anyway...

Traditions

Today is the first day of a new year (2018). New Year's Eve and Day are both often filled with traditions and superstitions. . . cabbage and pork, a penny in the pot, don't wash clothes or you'll wash away your wealth, so on and so forth. For many it is also a time of traditions...a particular bar/club, certain group of friends over to ring in the year, that specific snack/appetizer someone brought ONE YEAR and it became tradition, brunch afterwards...

So today, I thought I would share the rough outline of one of my journal entry prompts in my upcoming book of journal prompts for a healthier mind, body and soul. Be mindful this is in an unedited format, but just a glimpse:

Think back on all the strange, boring, wild, wonderful, horrible, exciting, stressful traditions in your family and life? (you can list them out here if you wish as they come to you)

Select one that brings you joy to think about as you answer these next few prompts: 
What is a tradition which brings you joy in your life/family?

When did it start?

How did it begin and who began it?

What is its meaning to your life/family?

What is so significant about this tradition?

Describe your favorite memory attached to this tradition?


Now for a moment, think on one that does not bring you joy: 
What is a tradition which does not bring you joy?

When did it start?

How did it begin and who began it?

What is its meaning to your life/family?

What is so significant about this tradition?

Describe a memory attached to this tradition:

What would happen if you just stopped this tradition?


Now, for a moment, think on a tradition which has not yet begun:
If you could create a brand new tradition for generations to come, what would it be?

When would you start it? And with whom?

What would the meaning be for you and your family?

Why would it be significant?

Where did you get this idea?

What will help you/prevent you from beginning this tradition?

12 Reflections in 12 Minutes: 2017

Every year I spend 12 minutes, stream of conscious, reflecting on 12 lessons I've learned over the last year. So here you go:

1) Fight like hell to keep those you love alive.
2) Don't let anyone not know how much you love them.
3) You really don't need a big support system, just a few truly make the difference.
4) Find what you love, and pour every ounce of yourself into it.
5) Allow yourself to meander...in life, relationships, careers, goals, books, hobbies, it's how you evolve, remaining fresh and authentic to each stage of your life.
6) Clear the clutter! Take that however you wish.
7) Be mindful of whom you allow in your inner circle. Very mindful; you become them.
8) Always have a good attorney in your corner.
9) Pictures. Take them, print them, frame them, hang them, put them in your car visor, at your office. When people are gone, you'll have the memories and you'll also want more pictures.
10) Grief is not overcome, it is merely absorbed into one's life.
11) Be playful. Get down on the ground and play. Get your crayons out and color. Get some action heroes and role play. Pick up the controller and play some video games.
12) Get. Outside. And. Explore. Your neighborhood, area parks, creeks, the sky. Be curious about your world.

13) Bonus: To do well, you must do good.

Share your's if you'd like.

Keep. On. Going.

I recently picked up running again.

I forgot how much of a love/hate relationship I had with running.

I forgot how much I NEEDED running in my life when I did.

I. Need. Running.

Not just for the physical health factors, but also for the emotional, mental and spiritual health factors. And the social factors.

Being a single dad is hard. Being a single dad to a survivor of trauma is fucking hard! Running has regrounded me. I mean, literally, for miles on end I am constantly reaffirming my connection with Mother Earth by relying on the ground to both be there AND to support me as I take the next step.

I also rely on the journey inward that inevitably comes with running. This journey helps me process life and allows me to be a better dad when I come back home. Recently, I have become connected with other runners. (tangentially, isn't it odd how the Universe provides EVERYTHING we need in the moment we need it if we just open ourselves up to it?) My first run with a running buddy I pushed my goal from 3.2 miles to 5. And my most recent I pushed from 4 to 6.

The last half mile was add on to my last long run and I kept trying to talk myself out of running. One running buddy had already headed home to get to church on time. Another had just went right to go to their house to get to a friend's tri on time. And I headed left to get to my home and chores so I can go walk in the Ruck March with my friend Robyn this afternoon to raise awareness on the issue of veteran suicide prevention.

And it was that left turn when it was just me, the sidewalk, and Beastie Boys on pandora. And a very simple mantra came to my head: Just keep going! Don't stop. Won't stop. Get it, get it. Just. Keep. Going! And mere moments later,  I was at 6 miles and home. Boom. Done! So I want to leave you with this, regardless what you're going through, find your mantra and don't stop, won't stop, get it, get it...just keep going! You possess everything you'll ever need for every challenge and obstacle you'll ever face. Move forward with that knowledge and what is there that you can't overcome?

How to Enjoy the Farmer's Market

Some of you know I set up at a local Farmer's Market a few times a year. I have long patronized them and only begun selling my soaps and stuff the last four years at one. Here are some things I have learned to help you enjoy the market better:

Come with an open mind: 
You may find absolutely nothing you want to buy. Conversely, you may want to buy ALL the things. All. Of. Them. Be open to what the vendors have and broaden your horizons.

Come with small bills: 
Ok, this really helps the vendors but it also helps YOU not feel bad about taking all my singles. Countless times in a single market, customers apologize for giving me a twenty, when they are buying a $2 or $4 product. While I have plenty of singles for you, I hate that you feel bad, so just bring some smaller bills and it'll be less stressful for you.

Bring a bag, or three: 
One for your produce; one for breakable; one for soaps (shameless plug). You'll thank me later when your tomatoes don't taste like rosemary-mint soap. Although that does sound like a good soap combo!

Talk to the vendors, even if you're not purchasing anything: 
We LOVE our products and we love getting to know the customers. So talk to us. If there is a line, just be respectful that we may also serve other customers at the same time. We're all business owners and multi-tasking is our middle name!

Stay a spell: 
Really, we want you to stay for awhile and enjoy it. one of the perks that drew me to my favorite market in St. Pete was I got to know people and make friends JUST from being at the market. Don't be afraid to invite yourself to sit next to a stranger and strike up a conversation. My favorite is simply: What vendor do you recommend I go visit most? Usually there's live music at some point and also food vendors. It's a community gathering and brings back a sense of neighborliness that we could all use.

Avoid haggling: 
True. Some items are more expensive. Just keep on going if it doesn't work for your family economy. No hard feelings. Most of us are small business owners, we work 60+ hours a week, spend countless hours in research and development, making, labeling, setting up...the list goes on. We LOVE our product and the market and feel we are asking a fair price.

Bring a friend: 
I mean, everything's better with a friend, right?

Come back:
Inventory changes every week. Right now I am packed for tomorrow's market, but already have my inventory for June 24 picked out, too. And it's not the same. Come back.

Ballin' on a Budget: Breakfast Edition

Ballin' on a budget...breakfast edition:
Miniature crustless egg quiches

I use a brownie pan from Pampered Chef, but you could use cupcake tin as well (which I have).

9 eggs
dash of milk
1/3 lb sausage
2 tater tots per brownie well
cheese
vegetables
seasoning

Brown the sausage
Place 2-3 tater tots in each greased brownie well
whisk/scramble the eggs/milk
Chop whatever vegetables you have on hand (this morning I used leftover bell pepper, zucchini and mushrooms from last night's saute'd veggie side dish) add to the eggs
Add seasoning (I use Penzey's spices, salt free blends, Arizona Dreaming is my fave for this dish)
Add 1/2 or more of shredded or sliced cheese (I cut the slices into small pieces if I don't have a block to shred)
Add browned and mostly cooled sausage

Scoop egg mixture into each brownie well filling almost full (it puffs up a little as it cooks). I have learned using a cookie scooper and scooping from the bottom of the egg mixture up helps ensure good stuff gets in each miniature quiche. I also have learned to reserve a little of each additive (veggies, cheese, sausage) to sprinkle into each well on top to be sure...

Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. Take out, cool for 5 minutes, remove to a cooling rack and enjoy!

Cost breakdown:
Eggs : on sale for 88 cents a dozen
Milk: 25 cents max
Sausage: 1.25
Cheese: 1.00
veggies: 1.50 (really negligible because I use leftovers, but if you HAD to buy)
Seasoning: 50 cents
Tater tots: 50 cents
Total Cost: less than $6 for a dozen, which will last us two breakfasts.
Best part: I can control what I put in it, this is a GREAT way to get in extra veggies (I often put kale and spinach, i just forgot).
Better than Best Part: Freezes well, so make several batches, freeze flat, then put in a bag. Wrap in foil and heat in oven for 30 minutes while showering, when out of shower you have a warm, healthy, delicious and inexpensive breakfast!

Additional options: I use leftover chicken, bacon (like there's any leftover!?), ham from the holidays, turkey...it all goes well! I mix up the spices. Sometimes I do a southwest style with jalapenos and paprika, sometimes I do a smoked quiche with smoked paprika and smoked ham...you can put them on a biscuit (which also freezes well as a breakfast sandwich.

Bon apetit!

An Authentic Life

I love sitting outside. I have a lanai, or a space in my backyard that I affectionately refer to as my lanai. The patio set was on loan from a friend as they were in between home ownership--renting--home ownership. Well, now they're a homeowner again so they are enjoying their patio set again. And I am given the wonderful opportunity to create my own backyard oasis.

And I also live on a very strict budget...in which a new patio set did not fall. So I am doing my lanai on a dime! I remembered I had an old rickety metal bistro table with a broken leg, I have two plastic lawn chairs on the porch and some large flower pots. Then I remembered I also have a huge indoor/outdoor area rug I bought for a festival last year. If I put the table umbrella sand base thing in the center of the table and put the umbrella in it, the table stays upright, even on three legs! The area rugs helps to level the uneven ground for my rickety chairs and the flower pots add some splashes of color and foliage to make it my oasis!

Last night was the first night that I had it assembled and did so while my son was watching television. When he came out to join me, the first thing out of his mouth was, "you're going to meditate out here aren't you?" Not in a sarcastic and antagonizing way but in a matter of fact way. To be honest, I hadn't thought of it but once he did I was like, "YES! And you can do your yoga out here too!" He agreed that it looked super cozy. And we stayed out watching fireflies and bats for an hour chatting about life, aliens, UFOs (ugh), bonfires, camping, high school...it was perfect.

In reflection, I was impressed he pegged it as a safe place of meditation and respite. I guess I live my life authentically if he can just look at something and figure it all out. I will post a pic shortly, for now I need to get back to enjoying the birds chirping, rabbits frolicking, and my son still sleeping!

My Six Steps to Life Happiness

I'm sitting on my lanai (I don't have one, for those of you new to my obsession with being out on my lanai), surrounded by my gorgeously blooming flowers (actually, none are blooming nor are they gorgeous, they were on clearance or free, but they have hope!), I am kid free (for 12ish hours) and on a self imposed indulgent vacation (during which I will eat ice cream and watch netflix)...but I am totally complete in this moment. 

Here are a few steps I've taken to reach this stage of my life: 

Partied the hell out of my 20's

I know, right now I'm a total stick-in-the-mud. But in my late teens and early 20's...gurl...I was all sparkled up, drunk and at a club or party. Every Friday and Saturday, most Thursdays, some Sundays and the occasional Tuesday. I partied my way through my early 20's and I'm so grateful I did, because now I can enter my 40's without any regrets and fully embracing this evolution of my life. 

Research and be in touch with *my* health

Yes, you need to know your genetic predisposition to this and to that. But what has been helpful for me is knowing things like I can't tolerate heavy cream-based foods, I need 4-6 hours of sleep a night, plus a 15 minute nap, red bull and vodka makes me angry and want to fight (and I usually do what I want so...), spending quiet time alone to start each day helps ensure a better day for everyone, you get the picture. Whatever it is for you, just be aware of it and do it. When I was running I kept a running journal and recorded everything. This is when I became acutely aware of trends and patterns. I found a doctor who spends almost an hour with me at my annual wellness check and asks things like, "are you getting any sex?" because she looks at the whole person. This has been critical to finding my bliss. 

Worked my ass off! 

Seriously, my parents raised me on a very meager family income. My mom worked full time and maintained a 4.0 gpa in college while my dad owned his own body shop and was in the army reserves. They instilled in my nobody owes me anything, except myself. I owe myself a great deal. So if I want it, I need to work my ass off for it. Even in those earlier party days I mentioned, I still worked 40-60 hours a week and never missed a commitment or obligation. 

I've been steadfast in my word, honesty and integrity

I have found that when I strayed from this, there was SO much to keep up with...who did I tell what and why? When I'm honest and full of integrity, there's so much less to have to keep up with and it's easier because, you know, truth...has set me free. 

Living an authentic and unapologetic life

I came out to my friends (some) when I was in high school. Came out to others in college. And my family when I was 20 or 21. From that day forward I made a commitment to myself that I was going to live my life authentically and stop asking anyone's permission or apologizing for it. People are uncomfortable...but it's not my place to make them comfortable.

Remain active in your House of Spirit

In Florida--the beach; in Kentucky--the forests, creeks, rivers, lakes and mountains. To these houses of Spirit, I shall always return and be eternally grateful.

So there you have it...these are six steps that I can attribute my life-happiness and completion to. I don't know you, so I don't have suggestions or shoulds or oughttas or what have you. I do have a desire for everyone to be happy, fulfilled, complete and blissful. I hope that you have found your path to that and, if you haven't, maybe some (or none or all) of these steps might help spark some ideas to help you along the journey. Or, at least, that's my 26.2 cents worth. . . 

To Life a Full Life

My dear and departed Brian Allen was my first experience with suicide that I recall. I loved Brian. He was an inspiration to so many and was a beautiful person, inside and out. But he had demons. Demons he tried with all his might to slay...but they slayed him instead. In 2002, just before I move to Florida, Brian laid himself on the train track along Frankfort Avenue in Louisville, KY, as a train was coming. A tragic ending to a beautiful life. He taught me so many things and some of them are contained in this letter he gave out to people with his annual Christmas card the year before he died.

To Live a Full Life
Brian Allen, circa 2001
Living a full life means making a specific commitment to practice and working to develop specific personal qualities: be a good communicator of vision; Be honest and trustworthy; Be flexible to change; Be creative; Be gracious and respect all persons; Value the power of acceptance; Be calm during crises; Promote and foster a team effort; Be deeply committed to the concept that unified efforts far outweigh all individual endeavors combined; Be respectful of others and yourself by following through on your words and commitments.

Be sure to let those closest to you know their importance in your journey before it's too late; Know when to say thank you and give others thanks openly. Listen and listen and listen. Be compassionate; Know that there are times to be strong and times to be vulnerable. Accept the duty to serve the community and take a stand on those issues that are closest to your heart. Promote and value diversity. Take responsibility for your own actions and don't blame the past, knowing change begins with yourself. Know the importance of failure, embrace it and learn from it. Be persistent, especially when pursuing dreams that give your life hope and meaning. Face challenges with courage, guts and determination. Trust others as you implement your vision.

Know the expense of getting stuck when all seems to go wrong. Move ahead with faith that the solution may be near and unexpected. Have a constant thirst for knowledge and a daily commitment towards personal development. Make a big deal about people's names. Be involved in helping others realize their own personal goals. Realize only through giving to yourself generously can you give to others unconditionally. Recognize the unselfishness of having Life Enhancers as a central part of each day. Laugh, enjoy and believe; our purpose on Earth is to help one another.

Brian Allen

Perspective

Recently I've taken to hiking. Short hikes, medium hikes and long (for me) hikes. I love going in the morning and in the heat of the day. I love going before it rains and after. Sunny or shade. Each hike, no matter how many times I've been on the same trail, is different. Probably because I am different. And different people have been on the trail since the last time, even if it is less than a week apart. Each hiker takes from the forest what they need, and leaves that which they no longer need.

Today, I decided to pay attention to the tiny mushrooms, lichen and fungi growing along the trail. It has been a wet week punctuated with periods of sun and heat...the perfect breeding ground for mushroom colonies to explode, or so I am told. And the pictures did not disappoint. I have included some for your viewing.

But what came to me as I was attempting to capture my final clump of mushrooms was this: Perspective. Two people (or more) can look at the exact same thing and have a totally different perspective; experience perhaps! Let me give you an example:

In this first picture, one might describe the mushrooms as smooth, relatively flat, solid, glossy. And they'd be right.

And in this second picture, one might describe the mushrooms as striated, rough, opaque, thin. And they'd be right. 

And in this one, they might use all the words above. And they'd be right. 

You see, all three pictures are of the exact same clump of mushrooms, the only thing different was perspective. Sometimes we get so stuck on looking at things from one perspective and insistent that what we're seeing is, in fact, a smooth, thick, glossy surface and another person is equally confident they're seeing a rough, translucent, frail surface. Both are equally right. I am going to try to remember this the next time I am engaged in an exchange with someone and I am as confident they are that my perspective is The Right One. . . because their perspective is probably also right, I just need to be willing to see it. At least that's my 26.2 cents worth...

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, her trust is not in the branch but in her own wings. Believe in yourself.

If I have achieved one thing in my career, I hope that it is that I have inspired at least one person to "believe in yourself" along the way.

We are quick to accept responsibility for all the screw ups in our lives, but give away responsibility for the successes. Why? I believe it is because we do not believe in ourselves...our capability to soar when the branch breaks!

Stop. Just stop.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in your ability to hear the cracking of the branch.

Believe in yourself to flap your wings at the right moment.

Believe in yourself to soar.

Believe in yourself to find the right next branch.

And believe in yourself to do it again and again, because that's life.

Believe in yourself.

Fighting Bias, Bigotry and Racism through Storytelling

Years ago, when I was working for a non profit in the Tampa Bay area we had what we affectionately called "Oprah Moments." This was the most diverse staff I've ever had the fortune to work with...diverse with regards to gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, language, age...the one thing that bound us all together was our devotion to fight bias, bigotry, and racism. That was our mission. We were charged with finding new ways to achieve this lofty goal while also implementing tried and true methods. 

The days were long and the pay was short. But I'll never forget the relationships I had during that time of my life. I do not keep up with many of my colleagues as we've all gone our separate ways as the agency took on a very different direction. But the thing I'll remember most were those "Oprah Moments." 

These moments just happened extemporaneously. My colleague and intern, Viancca's desk was right beside mine and my colleague, Tarra's was across the room (actually two rooms but with the divider opened). There were two ancient chairs in the middle of the room kinda cocked at an angle (and I remember a big mirror?). It was not uncommon for other colleagues to come in, have a seat in one of the chairs and we'd just chat. Sometimes it was work related and sometimes it wasn't. Limewire was popular at that time and sometimes we'd listen to the newest downloaded song, clip, file, etc. I don't think YouTube was around and FaceBook definitely wasn't. But we chatted. We shared stories. Stories about family. Stories about hair. Stories about beliefs. Stories about religion. Stories about our hopes, fears and dreams. We talked. We got to know each other as humans, brothers and sisters in this journey of life. Little did I know, but in those moments we had achieved our mission of fighting bias, bigotry and racism. Perhaps this was the most powerful component to ANY of the programs we ran...talking and listening. 

Ultimately, as the organization began its restructuring, I was the first one to be let go. The level of betrayal I felt has stuck with me for years, not because my co-workers actually did anything to me. But because the moments and stories we shared as colleagues actually created a surrogate family for me when my own family was 900 miles away. It's hard to have that ripped away from you. 

But now, 15ish years later, I am able to reflect on that moment, and those feelings of betrayal, as testimonies to the power of sharing stories. In sharing stories we also share our vulnerabilities. The byproduct? Personal strength. Collective strength. And the manifestation of our mission...to fight bias, bigotry and racism. 

Over the next couple of days, please join me in stepping into vulnerability to find strength through sharing a story with someone who may be different from you. How you define that difference is up to you. Be prepared, though, you may find yourself with an extended family and the world a little better as a result!