Two-Named Post

Name #1: Warning: Keep Out!
Name #2: Apologetic Living b'damn'd!

I'm not sure where this one is going so just follow me...could be a bumpy ride.

I had three runs last week while in the DC/Maryland area working a camp. Let me start by saying I had the time of my life! I was surrounded by such good and good-hearted people, the kids were amazing and impressive, the camp went smoothly (save for a midnight false-firealarm), yada yada yada.

Sunset over Breton Bay

My first run of the week went as follows: What's that? Rain. Great. Alarm. What's that? Heavier rain awesome. Snooze. Alarm. What's that? Heaviest rain. Great.

I eventually got up, laced up, stretched out, put my phone in a zip lock bag and headed out for a wet and glorious run. I was soaked head to toe within minutes. In a refreshing way. And what came to me was an innocent comment made by a fellow staff member. Their comment went something like my unassuming and "unapologetic" way of living my life as a man who happens to be gay made it easy for the male staff and campers to embrace me and see me as a whole person. I know they meant this as a compliment, and I know that I want to take it as one. However. . . what came to mind as I was turning a half circle at a wharf on Breton Bay was WTF did you expect me to do, say sorry for being gay? And then I realized that yes, they probably DID expect that because society *tells* us we have to apologize for being different, whatever category of different one may fall into. We nonchalantly say things like, "I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable...I don't mean to make you uncomfortable...I'm going to go solo because they're not ready to see me with another man..." the list of ways we subconsciously apologize for being who we are goes on and on. I don't think we even MEAN it as an apology but seriously, I think it is. I'm not sorry that my being gay makes you uncomfortable, this isn't about me and my need to apologize it's about you in this moment. Actually, me being gay isn't about you at all, it's all about me and my partner (were I to have one).

me sewing

I stopped living apologetically years ago. Ironically, this is when I feel like I became accepted by most straight people. I don't care if you accept me or not. I'm not going to ask you to apologize for being straight so please don't ask me to apologize for being gay.

my pepper jelly 

Like that's all that I am anyway. . . a runner, a brother, a son, a gardener (a miserable gardener LOL), a crafter, a mentor, an uncle, a grandson (well, they're all dead now but I was), an Executive Director, a frugal budgeter, a park enthusiast, a beach lover, a thinker, a learner, a canner, a former musician, an artist, a daytime napper...

quilt for my grandma

Anyway, I guess this was fueled by a little anger and . . . wait for it. . . I'm not sorry for it and if you're offended that's ok, just don't apologize for crying out loud! at least that's my twentytwopointsixcentsworth

Power!

(disclosure: This is a long one. No pictures. No links. The Power in this lies in reading it uninterrupted from start to finish.)

This run was couched in themes of POWER.

It was a Powerful run. My last long run was the pits, so I needed a good one to boost my spirits. It was Powerful.

I summonsed a Power that lied outside of me, channeled that to within me and then had the Power to say no to going to a great show Saturday night, get up at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday to get my run in before having the will-Power to *still* make it to church.

I took Power naps all day Sunday (2.5) to recover from my Powerful run.

But really, what prompted this theme on Power was a Powerful comment directed towards me Saturday. I organized a clean up and community meeting in an attempt to reclaim the gem that Iroquois Park once was from the dulled diamond in the rough it has become. I intended this to be a small gathering of a few people to toss around some ideas, make some commitments and ask Metro Parks and Louisville Metro Government to partner with us on areas that can't be managed by citizens (i.e. tree removal, rehabilitation, etc.) . It gained Power, and became much more. Several elected officials came. Representatives from Metro Parks and Olmstead Conservancy attended. I met with them beforehand to gain an insight I lacked previously. And so, on Sunday, about 30-35 people arrived, met in Jacobs Lodge and so began our conversation. There is a group that formed prior to this, but I got a negative feel, vibe, etc. so I opted to just do something small. Despite a few media inquiries, I chose not to comment and to request the process remain a citizen-driven one. The meeting went ok. There were no tables, chairs or seats, no running water or restroom facilities so it was uncomfortable at times but these are some of the very problems I wanted to address. And address them we began to.

And then we spent several hours collecting about six bags of trash from the North Lookout and surrounding trails. Young and old, male and female, gay and straight, all walks of life. That's the park I want to reclaim. Unfortunately, there are egos involved (including my own probably, I am human) and, as such, I had a nasty message waiting for me upon my return home. The line that got me the most was, "at this time, you are not the person I will follow." I'm ok with not being followed. What resonated with me was this line spoke volumes to this whole movement of restoring the park: I don't want to be followed, I don't want to be The Chosen One (hell, I didn't even know I was applying for the job. I probably would have showered had I known!), I am a citizen just like every single one of you reading this. You're all citizens. We're all in this together side by side. I want people to walk alongside WITH me, and me WITH them. That's why we're in this mess to begin with...somebody somewhere thought (dare I say thinks) that they know what's best for "The People" and, as such, asserts themselves as The Chosen One.

Honey, let me tell you that's not a Power I wish to have. And it isn't a Power that our "leaders" should wish to have either. If you choose to follow someone who wants the Power of being the chosen one, you may well have had the wool pulled over your eyes.

And so, while I ran three loops around Iroquois Park (as well as a couple miles leading up to and back home from)...this was a theme I tried to meditate on: The Power of love shall reign supreme over the love of Power. At least that's my 26.2 cents worth...but don't take it from me, have your own thoughts; it's a Powerful process.

Totally Zoned Out

During today's run, I'm honestly not sure where I went!

I mean, I started at Iroquois Park by the Amphitheater (Iroquois Amphitheater details), went left like I always do, got distracted by this lovely surprise, and then completely zoned out the rest of the run. It was neither an enjoyable nor unenjoyable run. Or at least, I don't think it was. This rarely happens to me during runs, but I just went somewhere else. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it as it makes me appear slightly flaky. I completely escaped my reality for 28 minutes and 48 seconds.

I just returned from vacation where I had a couple of awful runs. I ended my vacation working more than I should have, but that's how it works out sometimes. I ended my vacation drained rather than recharged. I guess The Universe gave me half hour to escape anyway. Odd. And I didn't fight it, I allowed it. I just followed the path. In the repetition, I suppose I slipped into an active/moving meditation. And through that, I was just guided by Spirit. I wasn't particularly looking forward to the run due to this ache, that pain, a little dehydration and some fatigue...but I let all of that leave my body and soul and just ran. My time of 28:48 is on the slow side, but not terribly so. I just followed.

I think I forget to do that and needed a reminder. My next three weeks are go, go, go. Maybe my next three weeks need to be follow, follow, follow. Yea, maybe that was the point of today's run. Or at least that's my twentysixpointtwo cents worth. . .

Here's the route and details: Running Meditation Today

Flatlined by Failure

Let me begin this blog by being brutally honest about my long "run" yesterday: I FAILED! And I failed miserably. As in, I was miserable before the run began, in the middle and long after I had finished it.

In today's society, we focus so much on "good job" "you're doing great" and a complete accentuation of the positive that we've frighteningly veered away from celebrating and acknowledging a failure along the way. While I agree we must focus on the positive...we must also focus on the reality and turn that into a positive for the next success.

even the view could not motivate me

I set out to run 12-15 miles. Last week, I ran a full 13.25 so this week should have been EASY up to about 12-13. I am currently in Florida on vacation at 15 feet above sea level and I never went more than 20 feet above sea level. This is NOT the case for the route I run back home where there is a several-hundred foot differential in start/mid/end elevation. But even before I went to bed, I knew it wasn't going to be a good run. When I woke up, I still felt it wasn't going to be a good run. And at mile 5ish when I took this picture it still wasn't a good run. During miles 10-12 when I played every mindgame in the proverbial runner's book...it STILL wasn't a good run. And finally, I gave up at mile 11.75. I failed. Miserable. Failure. Pained. Dehydrated. Sun kissed. Hobbled. Failed. That is the best way to describe my run.

But I still did it. And it is still going to be part of my success. I do not believe that success should be measured ONLY by the ultimate and final outcome...it should be measured by the beginning point, mid point(s), end point, and every point along the journey too. This was my route of failure, if you're inclined: http://www.mapmyrun.com/routes/view/113533751

O-M-G, I need a seat in my shower at home
for all my future failures!

Similarly, I believe that failure should not be a finite. And I think that's why we shy away from saying, "I failed." and we certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by acknowledging, "you failed" but, my friends, who among us has not experienced a failure? Dare I say a catastrophic failure? You pick up and you move on. It isn't about the 1,000 failed attempts, it's about the one success, which, by the way, was strengthened by those failures along the way. So big flipping deal. You failed. Are you going to let it define and stop you? Or are you going to let it strengthen you and propel you forward?


I will admit, this thought did NOT come to me while feeling like an utter failure and a big sea cow clopping along at a 12 minute mile. It did strike me afterwards. So maybe I am doing little more than justifying a failed run, but eh...whatever...that's my twentysixpointtwo cents worth and I'm sticking to it!

perfect post failure reflection...

Giving Up to Receive

It's odd to train for a marathon. Your entire life changes. Your life slowly but surely begins to revolve around training. Running. Hydrating. Giving things up. First it's the candy. Then it's the extra dessert. Then it's the fast food. Then it's sleep. Then it's hanging out with non-running friends. Then it's sodas. Then it's alcohol. Then it's living in a painfree state. And the list goes on.

No! You can't have that! But you can have...

As of July 1 I have given up many of the above: fastfood (Dunkin Donuts excluded), candy, dessert every day (DunkDonuts excluded), sodas, alcohol. I will continue to give up things as the 120 days from now until the Marine Corps Marathon becomes my reality.

Although, am I really giving things up? Yes. The short answer is yes. Don't delude yourself. I'm giving a crapton of stuff up. And I want to be clear about that. HOWEVER. . . there is a flip side to this deprivation and it is in the receiving.

I am receiving a healthier way of living. Oh, how nice that sounds. Blahblahblah, sounds like Jillian, my former Spin Coach Liz or my former running buddy Trino when I say that. But it's true. I'm the oldest male in my family that's not on a plethora of health-related pills like high blood pressure, cholesterol, heart rate, gout meds, etc, etc, etc. I went to the doctor a couple months ago and she said my heart rate registered "abnormally low" on the EKG...because my heart is a well-tuned muscle that doesn't have to work as heard.

hmm, what am I gaining again? Right: My life!

When I am in training, yea, I give stuff up but what I gain in return is so much more. I gain the immeasurable benefits of spending hours a week in reflection and pushing my limits. I gain more water consumption (ick!) to stay hydrated. I get back in tune with listening to my body's aches, pains, needs and wants. I gain a healthier outlook on life, in particular my own. I always attract a few new running buddies along the way. I stretch out more. I gain another accomplishment that is dependent solely on my commitment to the end goal. The stuff I give up, truly, is just crap (literally and figuratively) weighing me down. What I gain allows me to move forward, nee, PROPEL MYSELF FORWARD in life so much easier, safer, healthier and possibly longer.


So Sunday, as I was contemplating why the heck I was training for my 3rd marathon, why am I giving so much up..i realized, it's so that I can gain so much more. Or at least that's my 26.2 cents worth.

A Brand New CAR!

Ever wonder why we get so excited when the game show host squeels, "A BRAND NEW CAR!" ? I mean, even if you're not the one getting the car, heck, you may not even be connected at ALL to the person that *may* win the BRAND NEW CAR <re-read that in a game show host voice please>, but we all like new things. Sometimes the shinier and sleeker it is the more we are delighted.

Today, I was so excited to get out and try my BRAND NEW SHOES. The temperature today is supposed to reach 104 or something ungodly like that. And, as luck would have it (or misfortune) my mom kept Gabby last night so I won't get her until around noon today. I set my alarm for 6:30, snoozed til just before 7:00 and stumbled out of bed, walked the dog (that counts as a warm up, right?) and was already sweating just from a half block walk. But, I had the allure of BRAND NEW SHOES to tempt me. And BRAND NEW SOCKS. I'm not sure which made me more giddy. Probably the socks, to be honest (they were also only $11.99 compared to...well, the shoes were more). So I laced up, drove to the park, set my mapmyrun, tuned the pandora station to Black Eyed Peas and dove right in to the waves of heat emanating from the pavement. My goal is 8:30-8:45 min/miles for a short 3.3 miles (one loop around Iroquois Park). I came in at 8:29 min/mile. 

BRAND NEW SHOES!

I was going up the incline by the golf course when it came to me. I was enjoying my BRAND NEW SHOES, however that's not what kept the pep in my step. Last night, I allowed myself my one dessert of the week, I chose a flourless, no sugar added chocolate torte. Yes, there's still oodles of butter in it BUT I'm beginning to make small cuts and sacrifices and changes. I'm incorporating them into my daily living. 

It hit me like a ton of hot, steamy bricks. I was running for A BRAND NEW ME! 

My life has sucked for 8 months and I've been caught up in a cycle of grief. I'm probably still in it, and that's ok...I'll work with what I've got. But I remember how vibrant life felt when I was in marathon condition. How my skin radiated with happiness and glowed with contentment. How every step I made was made with a sense of accomplishment. In that run, on that awful hill with sweat coming out of every pore in my body (some I didn't even know I had) I remembered that I'm not just running for A BRAND NEW ME, I am running for a BRAND NEW FUTURE. A clandestine future that I make myself, influenced by those around me (positive or negative) and so...yes, it was the shoes that got me out in the heat this morning, but it was the allure of a BRAND NEW ME that kept me going to beat my time goal. 

Don't fool yourselves, you need a motivator. You need intrinsic and extrensic motivators. It's up to you to find what they are. It's ok to admit that you need something outside of you to get yourself motivated to get up and move. Treat yourself to a massage when you reach a milestone (also one of my perks) a new pair of expensive wicking socks, a decadent meal with a delicious dessert (yea, I said it), whatever it is, find your motivator and follow the heck out of it. You'll be SO glad you did as you're enjoying your new running shorts. That's my next reward. Once I reach a long run of 15 miles, I get some new running shorts. Find your motivator and run like hell to get to it. 

Or at least that's my twentysixpointtwocents worth. 

Do Not Settle

So the Sermon this Sunday at church focused on one phrase: Don't settle.

I have set a goal of a sub-4:00:00 marathon on October 28th. I began to settle...maybe this wasn't going to be my year. So much has happened. My agency has grown exponentially. I have a massive garden. I got two chickens. Grief still strikes me at random, odd and unwelcome times. It's a really hot summer. I don't have time. I'm stressed. I gained too much (grief) wait. Blah, blah, fucking blah! The ultimate reality and truth is: I began to settle! What a hypocrite I had become! Here I tell my kids they can be whatever they want, achieve all they set out to, transcend whatever vicious cycles they're "trapped" in and I began to settle.

No ma'am! Not anymore. I mean, I was on the friggin cover of the LEO. These kids look to me for hope when they may not have any other source. They come to me broken, beaten, downtrodden and full of self-doubt. And here I was going to let a few little life-occurrences let me settle.

I. Think. Not.

And so, I set it out this Monday. My course. My plan. My vision. Wait, no...there's that damn ego getting in the way again. I set out to follow The plan. The course. The vision. I happen to be a mere pawn in it.

I will be honest, I am still struggling. I still eat desserts more than once a week. Though I've conquered the candy challenge! I still drink sodas. And I still eat Ding Dongs now and then randomly throughout the week. But it's ok. It doesn't matter where I am today, it only matters that I move forward. That I've not settled. That I don't take a look around and say, "well, hey...maybe I didn't do a 4:00:00 marathon, but at least I did something. I think I'll stop now." Instead, I need to remind myself, "well hey, I didn't do a 4:00:00 marathon this time. What do I need to do in order to improve next time."

My journey isn't over, regardless if I do a sub 4 or not. My journey is on-going. And today, I set out to run 5 miles. 7.4 miles later I realized I had seriously under-estimated my distance from the park. But I didn't stop. I didn't settle. I kept moving forward. And here I am, less than 30 minutes later feeling like I need to puke and poop at the same time. But I didn't settle. I'm already looking forward to when I add the top lookouts of the park (another 200 feet in elevation maybe? and another 3ish miles) to my 5 mile run that turned into 7.

Don't Settle. It's just not in the Plan. Or at least that's my 26.2 cents worth. . .